Love and Marriage Quotes

» "When a man steals your wife there is no better revenge than to let him keep her." 

» "There is one thing I would break up over and that is if she caught me with another woman. I wouldn't stand for that." 

» "It was a perfect marriage. She didn't want to and he couldn't." 

» "My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher." 

» "Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music, and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." 

» "An archeologist is the best husband any woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her." 

» "Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed." 

» "A man is already halfway in love with any woman who listens to him." 

» "Romantic love is mental illness. But it's a pleasurable one. It's a drug. It distorts reality, and that's the point of it. It would be impossible to fall in love with someone that you really saw." 

» "I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury." 

» "My wife and I were happy for twenty years. 

» "Marriage is like putting your hand into a bag of snakes in the hope of pulling out an eel." 

» "Ah, yes, divorce... from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." 

» "I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her." 

» "Love is temporary insanity curable by marriage." 

» "The four most important words in any marriage..."I'll do the dishes." 

» "No man is truly married until he understands every word his wife is not saying." 

» "My husband said it was him or the cat... I miss him sometimes." 

» "I got rid of my husband. The cat was allergic." 

» "I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house." 

» "I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life." 

» "Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house."

» "My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, I stayed in the bathroom and cried." 

» "Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway."