I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.
A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice.
Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.
When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's: She changes it more often.
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.
If the facts don't fit the theory, change the facts.
If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn't sit for a month.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
It is easy for me to love myself, but for ladies to do it is another question altogether.
Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.
Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.
If men knew how women pass the time when they are alone, they'd never marry.
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